Sleepless

It's 1:30am as I begin writing this blog.

I got back from a party celebrating a friend's birthday about an hour and a half ago, and I can't sleep.


My mind is swirling with thoughts and I find that when I go to bed at times like this, I either have crazy dreams pertaining to the situation, or I just toss and turn and get no rest at all.

I don't know how much of the situation I'm willing to share here online, this is mostly to kill some time until I start yawning, and because I can't find my notebook.

So blogging the night away becomes the next viable option, right?

I'm worried. Actually I think concerned is a better word for it. I'm concerned for some people that I love dearly. Nothing is...urgent...[I think that's the word I'm looking for] but it is concerning.

This is always something that intrudes my sleep time. When something is not right with people I love, it consumes a lot of energy, emotion, and time. And it's worth it, because I love them, but it does suck with the whole no sleep predicament.

I have chosen the crazy dreams in the past, although they don't always happen, and I rarely remember them, not having those dreams is worth staying up until I am so sleepy I crash on my notebook - or keyboard as it is tonight.

All of this to get to the thought that my Jesus is concerned about my friends thousands of times more than I could ever be. And if we follow the logic trail, that means He has that same concern for me. So now that I have yawned, I'm going to go see if I can practice letting go and letting God.

Surrender, cry, repeat.

Beautiful Exchange: Hillsong 

You were near
Though I was distant
Disillusioned, I was lost and insecure

Still mercy fought
For my attention
You were waiting at the door
Then I let You in

Trading your life
For my offenses
For my redemption, You carried all the blame

Breaking the curse
Of our condition
Perfection took our place

When only love could make a way
You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange

My burden erased
My life forgiven
There is nothing that could take this love away

My only desire
And sole ambition
Is to love You just the same

When only love could make a way
You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange
When only love could break these chains
You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange

Holy are You, God
Holy is Your name
With everything I've got
My heart will sing how I love You

We sing this song in church a lot. Really a lot, to the point where I stopped paying attention to what I was singing and started focusing on finding a new harmony. 

But then on Sunday I was struck with this revelation, if that's the right word for it at all, about the bridge.

"With everything I've got, my heart will sing, "How I love You""

I started thinking about what I have, my mind ran over all the material things in seconds, that's not where my heart is. I started thinking about the people I love and who love me. If God took them, if they died, would my heart still sing "How I love You"? 

What about my fears, my insecurities? I've got those in abundance, even in the face of those things, or even if any of those fears should become reality, would my heart still be praising God?

I always took the "With everything I've got" to mean whatever I had in that moment, my passion, my energy, so I'd do what we do in modern America congregations and sing louder, raise my hands higher.

But I realized what God is asking me, asking all of us, is not necessarily of the here and now. What if later on my friend has to go through some sort of trauma and it is in no way fair and I can't see any possible reason why it had to happen? Will my heart still be loving my God?

I had to lay a lot down on Sunday. [And I cried a lot. Which is strange for me - I'm not anti cry, it just doesn't happen all that often]. It seems like my life is a pattern of continual surrender. I'm never gonna have it all together. And I'm slowly re-realizing [I'm not always the quickest learner. It often takes me several tries =P] that I don't want to have it all together. It kills me. And I prefer life for the time being.

So I guess that's a fair question - What is it that might keep your heart from singing, "How I Love You"?

Love Me Some Mr. Messersmith =)

Diggin' this song right now =)

"She's tired of flat lands and cornfields
Seashells traced in snow
She wants more bugs on her windshield
She don't want to go alone

I'd love to go, but I left behind my raincoat
Will anybody miss me when I'm gone?
I'm wide awake, but I'm dreaming of the west coast
I could leave tomorrow but I won't
Cause I've still got my day job

She talks about her waterfall fountain
And her house out on the bay
She's in love with broken glass mountains
Fireplace cafes"

A New Leaf

So, it's been a while. Apparently I haven't had any deep thoughts or interesting events lately. Although I have been falling off chairs more often than normal...But that's beside the point =P

I feel like there's something new on the horizon - which is splendid for me, I love new!

Part of it is because of this lovely organization that I am getting involved with.





A New Leaf is a woman's ministry group through the West Salem Foursquare Church. A New Leaf is centered around women just being released from prison and helping them re-acclimate to life outside. So everything from logistics like a place to live, clothes, a bus pass, photo ID, or even just basic hygiene necessities; to a strong mentor/friendship.


I am beyond excited to begin this! I can't even get a hold of myself. I love being around change and transition, and this is just the coolest opportunity to live outside of myself. I can't wait. We're going to be running in pairs, so two mentors for one menti. I believe the first gal I'll be working with is released the end of June, or if not her, then sometime before September.

I am just so very stoked! I feel very honored that I might be trusted with this. God is sooooo cool.

All that being said, we are a non-profit organization, so stay posted for fundraising information! It's a grand way to benefit an awesome program and help out some women who need a hand. And of course there's something in it for the benefactors ;) Some ideas are a rummage sale [cool stuff], bake sale/donations going towards A New Leaf [goodies!], jewelry sale [ladies: pretties!, guys: can anyone say easy gifts?], and a car wash [clean car, hollaaaa!].

So please, please, PLEASE, stay posted and I'll do my best to keep ya'll in the loop as far as what we're doing and what anyone can do to help us out =)

Thanks all =)