A Birthday Blog

Today I am twice the age of my favorite number.

Golly.

When I was 11, I was in 6th grade, and would turn 12 in 7th grade. Wow.
Who I was then, that scared kid that I saw in the mirror, is so very different than who I am now.

There are still, of course, those foundational beliefs and quirks that make me, me. But so much has changed, I would hardly recognize that kid if I saw her today. There's heaps songs and poems and stories based on the idea of "if I could take it all back, what would I change?" or "If I could tell a younger me what the older me knows now, what would I say?"

For me, I don't know that I would change much. If I could change things without affecting the person who I am today, I might do it, just to make things a little easier on younger me. But I like who I am today, so if that had to change, I wouldn't go for it. But, if I could stay the same, I guess I would change the habits I never formed. I never learned to not procrastinate, I never learned to work out or eat properly, I never learned to read my Bible and chill with God daily. I mean, I knew all of those things were good to know, but I never formed the habits. And so, here I am twice that age and trying to form many of these habits seemingly from scratch.

I have phenomenal parents, so that's a bit of a head start for me.

If I could tell 11 year old Netti something profound, some sort of advice, I guess it would be a whole heap of things.

-God loves you and always has, and aside from that, He WANTS you.
-Your sister turns out pretty cool in a few years, give it some time.
-When you get that first job, save more, go to the movies less.
-When you are babysitting for that one family, don't park in the driveway - all those dents will be avoided that way.
-Stop thinking - seriously, do something you enjoy.
-High school is a ginormous waste of time - get your GED or Home school. But don't stop playing the violin, you regret that one a lot.
-I know you think it's love, but I promise you, you're going to love those girlies that stick by you a whole lot more than this boy whose name you forget. Invest in your friends.
-Don't be embarrassed to write, you're actually not terrible at it.
-The truth is always the best way to go.
-When Kessi wants to sit on the armrest of the couch, take Abby's side and make her get down. There will be a lot less blood that way.
-When you decide you want to learn an instrument, even when it gets boring, stick to it. I promise you it'll be worth it.
-When you bake that one cake, think ahead. You'll have one less scar that way.
-When you go to Fiji, take some decent shoes with you - you might have a chance at avoiding a few more injuries that way.

There's more. Not because anything was particularly traumatizing, but because it might help me along the way.

I have become someone I like and am not ashamed of. I might look pretty much the same on the outside, but the inside holds a very different girl, a very redeemed girl. And I have God, and the people He's graciously placed in my life to thank for that.

Seriously, He's worth a try ;)

So thank you heaps to everyone who wished me a happy day, and thanks a million times over to the people who have invested in me. These people have helped to mold me and helped me to grow into the person I am today - They have allowed me to learn that growth is good, a wise person grows until the day they die.

I love you dearly <3

You're Welcome. Again. ;P

Oh man, I just really love my church. I am the luckiest girl =)

This is just so cool. I really am incredibly and undeservedly drowned in God's love and goodness. Good thing there's more than enough to go around ;)

<3

Skin and Scales

My faults lead me to the Water
Where my reflection shone much to clear,
Each little slip glittering hard atop my skin.

It was a pretty mask, a fair suit that spread
All across my face, covering my skin,
Hiding my heart behind hard scales.

But the loveliness was not my own
And the ugly mistakes had begun to show.
There's bravery in desperation.

The itch could not be satisfied
I was tired of always scratching
So I raked my claws into my scales - no scales, no itch.

But it's never enough, no never enough when I'm trying on my own.

And so the Lion helped to tear me apart.
Ripped my shining mask to shreds.
I begged for release - for the easy way out.

I begged for no more pain
I cried out for my scales
Until I could feel His healing tears.

Because it's never enough, no never enough when I'm trying on my own.

When my skin shone clear,
It was blemished as it ever was.
But soft and smooth, beautiful in it's vulnerability.

Truth that went unfelt with my scaley shell
Rained down on my revealed skin.
A loveliness to call my own.

Lately - Prattle on Rick

The YouTube video sucked, so here's a link instead. Just hit "Play" =)
P.S. No, I'm not feeling Emo, I just really like this song. Especially the last verse =)


Lately by Prattle on Rick

lately I walk on a lonely road
it's the only road I know
lately I talk with my shadow
no ear to hear my groan
no dwelling to call home
no shelter from the snow

lately I sing on a broken stage
no words upon my page
lately I stroll on an empty lane
it's easier that way
no one to see the pain
or to break my heart again

and the night covers up my shame
hides away my name, I hate when the morning nears
and the snow covers up my face
I try to erase all trace of these fears

lately I sleep alone and underneath
my canopy of trees
lately I've been searching for a friend
burdened with my sin
no refuge from the wind
no one to take me in

and the night covers up my shame
hides away my name, I hate when the morning nears
and the snow covers up my face
I try to erase all trace of these fears

someday I'll see the saints a-welcome me
what else can I believe?
someday we'll sing a perfect melody
in perfect harmony
we'll worship perfectly
see what we've longed to see
where everyone we meet
is long-lost family
no reason more to grieve
no need no more to leave

Call me "Aqueduct"

I have always always been guilty of having the "If Only" mentality.

It comes easily to me to want to move on to the next thing. If you've read pretty much any of my other posts, you know that I love love love new things and experiences. So my weakness in this area is to think, "If only I could just start something new. If only I could try doing this one thing. THEN I might feel like I've accomplished something. I might feel less stagnant. If only, if only. When will my life & circumstances change, when will I get to have a new adventure?"

Dangerous ground for sure. It steals my focus, it steals my joy.

Not to say that striving for something - having goals - having dreams and ambitions, is a bad thing. Actually I would say it's more unhealthy to not have those things. But with me at least, I get so very swept up. I lose sight of the present.

Even when it's something that is bothering me [not necessarily just some place I saw and instantaneously wanted to go there], my first instinct is to drown out the thoughts that keep me awake at night. Try something new to distract myself. That doesn't stop the dreams, or God talking to me about it, or Him letting me know what He thinks in said dreams...But it definitely affects my willingness to listen.

I'm always ready to try what's next, I'm always ready to tell myself that I'm discontent so the next thing will be better.

And I LIKE that about myself. I LIKE that I have a sense of adventure and readiness to try something new.

But when I use it as an escape, or a distraction, or try to make it fit in that hole that it just isn't shaped for, it is detrimental and ugly.

I love God. No question. And I know that He is the ultimate fulfillment. I know that urge that I get is of God because He created me, and I know that He's gonna use this part of me for His Kingdom, but that doesn't mean I get to misuse it. That doesn't mean that I get to swing to the extreme end of the pendulum and call it all good because it's just a part of who I am.

BUT - a bragging moment for me - I am getting better. Better at dealing with situations and not just pretending them away - that's how explosions happen later on. Not worth it. I am getting better and looking my fears in the face and heading right into the fray of all those scary, icky emotions.

It's easy to smile all of the time. It's easy to turn a blind eye to the things I don't want to see. The things I don't want to know or care about, the things that scare or anger me. It's easy to live in ignorance.

It's super super hard to live a life outside of myself, to live with the intention of living attentively. I mean, they say that ignorance is bliss, but that doesn't explain why people consumed with themselves and ignorant to the needs of others tend to be so very miserable. I don't want to be one of those people.

Not that I really even have that opinion of myself, I don't consider myself a scrooge or anything, but I am definitely guilty of some pretty thick walls of self protection. I think that that is a form of selfishness that can become pretty severe when unchecked. If everyone lived behind their walls, our world would freeze up. It'd be like putting up billions of walls up in the ocean, separating the water into little segments. Nothing would grow or change. There would be no progress.

I refuse to be one of those big brick dams. I want to be a channel for life - And life abundantly at that!

God's got His work cut out with me, but He's a pretty neat dude and I'm an almost always willing subject so I have faith in this little construction project.

It's never too late to change <3