1 Samuel 16:7

There's this verse that is fairly well known, that I came across in my Bible reading recently. I'm so terrible at memorizing the addresses of verses, I can tell you what it says, but when it comes to where it says it, I'm generally at a loss. Needless to say, I was a tad surprised when I stumbled upon it and was struck by that realization - almost a deja vu - of, "Hey! I know this!"

The verse is 1 Samuel 16:7
"But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

I have a distinct memory of the first time I heard this verse. I was visiting a friend's youth thing...I only remember there being girls there, so maybe it wasn't their main youth group. But it was "inside-out" day and I remember thinking that was dumb and why on earth would we turn our clothes inside-out when they were perfectly fine inside-in? Things of that nature in youth culture still puzzle me to this day.

Back to the point. I remember hearing this verse - it was the memory verse for the night - and being comforted by it. Even though all these girls I didn't know were seeing the awkward, insecure outside appearance of me, God was seeing my heart. And that is the vein I've remembered this verse in over the years. I've remembered it as a consolation when I was feeling down or judged or unseen. I knew that God hadn't just looked at the spacey, overly friendly, day dreaming child that I was. I knew that He wouldn't merely glance at the scared, rabbit-like, under socialized middle-schooler or the quiet, insecure, lonely high-schooler. He hasn't just seen the sad 18 year old, the lost 20 year old, or the aimless 23 year old.

No.

My God sees something far deeper, far more moving. He sees the heart. He has seen my unwavering love for foreign lands and people. He has glimpsed into the vulnerable places that humans don't see. He has seen the mess and the confusion and the frustration. He has seen the beauty and purity and the relentless yearning to be in His will. To be on the path I should be on, at just the right place on that path. He sees the desire and the love and the depths down to my core. THAT is where He looks. Not at the bad hair days, not at the nail biting, or the weird stuff my skin does every time the weather changes.

But, as I read this verse - maybe even for the first time in my adult life - I was struck by something. Since my wonderful God dives deep into the mess of my heart instead of looking just at my outward self, doesn't that then beg a question to be asked? Am I proud of what would be found in my heart if God opened it up and took a peek? Am I ashamed of things He might find hidden away in there, or is it an honest representation of the life I live on the outside? Is it weaker, stronger, dirtier than my outward life? Or does it reflect the advice I give, the words I "preach?"

The fact that the God of the Universe is looking at my heart makes me want to have the cleanest heart possible. Not in a "Dad's coming! hide that junk!" kind of way. More in the way we want our Dads at our sporting events, musical performances, plays, work places, etc. We want him there so he can see us and how well we're doing. We want him there to be proud of us. It is in that way that I want my King to see my heart. I want to be doing well, hitting home runs, singing my best song, and for a smile to touch his face. I want a clean heart.

I know that there are going to be times when my heart is tangled and messy, but that is where the comforting side of this verse comes in. Yes God is seeing my heart, but He is the BEST dad ever. My dad is pretty incredible and often says the right things at the right time. But God? HE is truly perfection. He knows how to deal with my mistakes and short comings. He knows how to handle my sadness and disappointment. So we don't need to be intimidated that He's taking a look around our vulnerable, sometimes fragile, hearts.

 He is so good =)

Thanks for reading <3

Though I've yet to see your face

Though I've yet to see your face

When I don't feel it, when I can't find you,
And seems you're nowhere, with not even a trace.
When I can't say your name, when I don't know you and
Though I've yet to see your face

I will hold on, I will be true
I will be still, I will listen, I will wait-
When I don't feel it, when I can't find you.

With heart, with strength, with faith,
I restlessly await, wavering for none.,
Though I've yet to see your face

I can't help but to yearn, is there else to do?
When my ears don't recognize your voice,
When I don't feel it, when I can't find you

I don't know the feel of your embrace-
I've heard great tales of your love,
Though I've yet to see your face

The day will come, like fresh morning dew
But for now, I wait in this same time and place-
When I don't feel it, when I can't find you
Though I've yet to see your face

That's my King

It is no secret to any who know me, that I love Christmas. My family, back at least two generations, loves Christmas. We love buying gifts and the magic of secret keeping until, at last, Christmas morning arrives and everything is revealed. However, that is not the only reason we love Christmas. And yes, this is going to be one of those "true meaning of Christmas" posts that I'm sure many of you have already read this season. However, I don't really want to focus on how Jesus fits into Christmas, as much as I want to talk about the actual event of His birth.

The Little Drummer Boy came on the radio today and even though I've heard it countless times, I was struck with something new. I heard the familiar "rum pum pum pum"s and began to sing along and was suddenly hit with a feeling of excitement. Even though I'm well aware the story in the song is fictional, I could picture the scene so perfectly. Can you imagine how awesome it would have been to BE there? To welcome the baby king? I just got so giddy at the thought of it. What an honor it would have been to be there, to be present at the arrival of the Savior.

But the more I thought about it, the actual birth of Jesus, the more I began to realize that His birth wasn't celebrated. Again, I love Christmas, I know this stuff. This was just the first time I could picture it. I could picture the stable, the dirty, smelly, noisy, stable. We often think about the angels singing in the sky, proclaiming the arrival of the King, but I think we rarely think about donkeys braying, or even the more vulgar sounds of animals doing their business in nearby stalls. No little drummer boy to be found. How's that for a welcoming?

A pitiful number of people were excited for Jesus' birth. There was a decree for His death, there were non believers, people who had given up long ago, people who believed and hated Him from the start. But there were a few who honored and adored Him from the very beginning and I am so thankful for the nurturing they gave to that big God in a small body. I am so thankful that God was merciful enough to show us love in the most tangible way He could.

Can you see it? Can you picture that scene?

For the first time, I really can.

I can see the pain on Mary's face, and the wonder and terror on Joseph's.
I can hear the animals and the night noises. The sounds drifting in from the over-full inn, and the regular echos of wind and people in the street.
I can smell the stable animals and the straw they live in.
I can imagine the love and wonder the earthly parents of the Savior King must have felt.
I can sense the weight of prophecy.

Picturing this scene fills me to the brim with joy and peace and gratitude. I am in awe at the gift we were given. I am in awe at how we, how I, sometimes squander it. How I sometimes forget it. How it is easy to take for granted the magnitude of this man's life, from start to finish.

All of this to say, that Christmas is truly my favorite time of year. It is a whole season that, as a Christian, pushes me to remember, to focus, to act, on the birth of my Jesus. And every year, it is my prayer to get a little better at carrying remembrance with me farther and farther into the new year. That I might never let it slip from my mind that we are deeply loved by the Father. And that the joy from that knowledge might overflow onto others.

The gift buying, the secret keeping, the decoration, and the bliss giving season is wonderful and heaps of fun. But I think it would do me well to recall a little better, that the true meaning [yeah, I said it] of Christmas, is that God loves us. He loves us madly and selflessly, without reason, and far beyond our deepest secrets and worst flaws.

What a guy =)

Merry Christmas and thanks for reading

Thankful

This evening, I had the privilege of seeing something beautiful. I was at work (yes that's right, something beautiful, at work) but not in my normal capacity.

See the school district hires my company to provide service in the school kitchens, so when an organization wants to use those school kitchens outside of their normal function, they need someone from my company there to "supervise." To be totally honest, I did like no supervising. I answered a few questions, helped out when I was needed, and that was about it. They were grown, intelligent people, they didn't need a babysitter.

Anyhow, the group that was there tonight was from Outward Church, and they were there doing a massive amount of prep work for tomorrow, when the real show happens. They provide families with some cheer. This year, over 100 families are being blessed with a full turkey dinner, a bag of toys, a bag of useful things, a bag of Christmas decorations, and a Christmas tree to hang some of those decorations on.

Sounds fairly simple, right? Pretty much all of us can picture what a Thanksgiving meal looks like, and how. a decorated home shines. Now picture it times 100. Yeah.

And this is not the only day they've been working on this event. Aside from all of the planning involved, there was also a crew who drove out to Scio to collect some donated Christmas trees. They cut, loaded, and hauled over 100 trees in the pouring rain. And then they unloaded all of them at the school we were at today, and trimmed them up all pretty, flattened out the bottoms, and placed them in tree stands to be delivered in the morning. That's right. ALL of the goodies heading to these local families are being hand delivered by volunteers ON Thanksgiving Day. And then yesterday there was a group of people working to prepare the side dishes, and then today they were beautifying the trees and cooking turkeys and organizing everything so the delivery will go smoothly tomorrow.

It cost $70 to fund one family, and while a few things were donated from businesses  the money was largely raised from within their church. Everyone knows what the economy is like right now, money is tight for a lot of people, and yet they gave to allow families of these elementary kids to have a brighter holiday. They gave money, resources, and time.

I didn't know what I was in for when I agreed to take this shift. My thought process was, "Sure I'll work, it'll help make up for all the days off recently" and then I got there and was so blown away by how much larger of a scale this thing actually was. It was beautiful.

I didn't hear a single person say they were tired or didn't want to be there or even hint at being grumpy. One guy even told me he had worked a 15hr day yesterday and when I said, "and then you've been here all day?!:" He replied with, "Yeah, but this isn't work, this is fun" (I feel like I should mention that he was covered in mud from Christmas trees)

I'm not trying to say that this church is better than another. #1, it isn't true, and #2, they probably wouldn't like me saying that =P But the attitude of joy and generosity that they projected was lovely. I think it is important to stress (as if I haven't done it enough) that this was not a fundraiser for the church. They weren't getting paid for being there, they in fact paid to be there.

I think there is a danger in church culture (or in really any culture) to get caught up in raising money for ourselves. To clarify, I don't think there is anything wrong with fundraisers, it is GOOD to build a budget. But when was the last time I actually did something with a group of my peers that benefited our community? That didn't charge them for a service? That was just a gift? I'm a little ashamed to admit that it's been a while.

I think that far too often our focus tends to be on how we are going to flourish and not often enough on how we can help others flourish. Even the good intentions of, "once we flourish then we can help others flourish better" can be a trap. Maybe we need to listen more and worry less. Maybe we need to be willing to move if God says move. To trust Him enough that maybe we use our withering budget on someone who doesn't have one at all and trust that God will always provide what we actually need. Again, I'm not saying that it's a bad thing to have a budget, and if God says to raise one, then I think we should do it. I just also think we should be listening. I know nothing about this church or these people or their budget, so I'm not trying to compare, I was just inspired by them tonight.

They will be in my prayers tomorrow, that hand delivering everything goes smoothly, and that hearts are affected and softened. And for energy for those dear volunteers, lots of energy.

Side note, one of the pastors at this church apparently knows my Uncle Levi because his wife met Levi while she was in YWAM in Hawaii while Levi was on staff there. Small world =P

In short, I'm thankful that even when I feel like I have little, I have a lot. I have far more than a good amount of the earth does, and I thank God SO much for that. I'm thankful for people like the ones I met tonight, who inspire and challenge me, even while being total strangers. I'm thankful for the family I have, the wonderful people God gave me to are beyond awesome. I'm thankful that tomorrow (er, later today) my home is going to be full of people I love, and who love me. I'm so thankful for my friends who hold me accountable, and for my church community that is always teaching me something. And I'm so thankful that God plucked me from a life of death, that He saved me from a life of hopelessness and fear and gave the choice of having one to work at and to cherish and to thrive in. And I'm thankful for yams and turkey.

For God so loved the world...

At the beginning of the summer, I decided I was going to read the book of Isaiah, solely because I didn't know where to turn my bible to and I had never read that whole book from start to finish. And so, I began. However, I did not do a great job at staying consistent, because, in all honesty, I got bored.

Please don't mistake my meaning. I do not mean to say that I find the Bible boring. I do mean to say that perhaps I shouldn't have chosen to read Isaiah simply because I hadn't done it yet, because, let me tell you, it has not felt like the words of the Living God. It has felt like the words of a dead man. 

And I know, I know, there's all the things that we say in church that faith isn't about feeling, which is true. I get it, which is why I haven't stopped reading it. My pace has slowed [sometimes stopped] but I will finish, because it isn't about how I feel about the words today or the next day. It is about learning, and feeding, and pressing into God even when I'm not getting the Jesus goose flesh. 

That whole entry was actually a tangent...I don't know if it takes a substantial amount of skill or inability to begin something off topic. Probably the latter. Ha.

To the point: There was something in Isaiah that I read a while ago that I still just find so very humbling and awesome. I told the ladies I have a small group with [via our Facebook group. Lanta, I'm getting dependent] and I thought I'd copy it here because the more I write [in this case, type. But yes, I did also write it down.] something, the more I remember it and I need to remember this. And I think it's worth sharing with other like-minded people.

I just read Isaiah 53, which is all about the horrors Christ endured to save us. The humiliation, taking our sin, dying, etc. And it occurred to me, it's a very sobering thing to remember the trauma Christ endured for us, for me. It wasn't even a temporary thing, like "endure these terrible things and then it'll all be over". God still hurts for us. No, not a temporary thing, but a tangible thing. A physical thing so that our weak, human minds could wrap around a very small piece of a very big concept - sacrifice. The very act of Christ physically dying before human eyes, was every bit as loving as the actual death itself. 

Mind. Blown.

I cannot think of a reason why God would grace us with His presence here on this earth, other than for our benefit. He didn't need to die, he didn't need to show Himself to the world in order to defeat Satan. No, I think He did it the way He did it, just for the sake of us. For the sake of our hearts, to physically show us how loved we are by our King. He didn't have to let us in on it, but He did.

"The very act of Christ physically dying before human eyes, was every bit as loving as the actual death itself."

If referencing Narnia so much is wrong, I don't want to be right.

My prayers were spoken in her voice.

Quiet and strong, wise and brave,

She read my heart back to me.

As if I had handed her its ragged pages.

Divine guesses and nudges,

Raised to being, brought to life.

You etched out my dreams, 

Drawing faint and broken lines.

Pushing, pulling, and prompting

The kindness out in me

Raising my chin, lifting my eyes,

Squaring my shoulders, bearing my fear.

She became a bridge, a direct line,

A switch board, an ancient door.

She was all wonder and heart

As if she were the wardrobe or the painting.

And I, the fresh snow, the frozen stream.

I, the stone fox, felt You like the warmth of Spring.

People Suck.

You know what?

People are messy. Community is messy. Love is Messy [yes, with a capitol M].

We, as humans, suck.

We really do. When I think of the numerous times I've hurt people, whether intentionally or accidentally, the amount is staggering. When I remember the times I've felt hurt by others, the numbers just keep climbing.

We are capable of the ugliest of traits. We can be selfish, stubborn, cruel, manipulative, and greedy. We have all been hurt - but we have also all hurt others as well.

We suck.

But that's what makes redemption so cool! The inconceivable way that God can take my worst traits and mold me and grow me and USE me for good is breath taking. Because let me tell you, I'm selfish. I'm selfish with God IN my life, can you imagine if I chose to ignore him, or even if I didn't believe, how much more selfishly I'd act? My motivation would probably center a great deal more around what I want. I think I'd still want to help people because that is ingrained in me, but I bet you there'd be a lot more of a self serving attitude behind it.

Yeah, we suck. And the stark contrast between how much we suck and how much God doesn't is really a beautiful thing.

So even though people suck, there is so much redemption and so much hope in the love of God. Gosh He's cool =)