Better late than never?

I thought about writing a Christmas blog, but I just wasn't feeling it at the time.

I love Christmas. Like a lot. I like that I get to hang out with my family, all of us at once. That doesn't happen very often. I like buying people gifts. I like that there is a designated, although probably very wrong, day to celebrate the birth of Christ. Most scholars believe He was born in the Spring, so Christmas is more like a "happy half birthday Jesus" kinda thing if we're getting literal. And, if we're getting even more technical, Christmas didn't originate within Christian circles. It was a pagan holiday first, and was kind of adopted by early Christians. I'm not sure what I think about this, not that it really matters.

Part of me thinks it's kind of ridiculous to adopt other people's habits/customs and celebrate them as our own, changing the meaning. It's almost theft, almost dishonoring. But then another part of me thinks it's kind of cool, this whole Christmas history. I mean, there was a bit of a "revival" back in the day and what a way to be "culturally relevant". It's a lot to ask of people to abandon everything they know, and Christmas today, although it's on the same day as the original festivities, is a totally different celebration. Meh, like I said, it doesn't really matter.

Anyhow, Merry day after Christmas everyone, hope you all got to spend time with someone you love <3

I leave you with this.

Kids and how I want to be like them.

I've been thinking, kids are like a big deal in the Bible.

There's that whole "childlike faith" theme in Sunday schools and church services across the globe.
Kids are referred to as a kind of role model in Matthew and Luke.
Shoot, Jesus even came as a child.

They're a big deal.

The innocence, the purity, that wild beauty that kids harness is such a great reflection of how we are meant to be, what we were created for. Not to knock maturity in any way, growing up is a part of life and it's a good thing to act one's age.

But those qualities of being pure hearted and passionate, those are things we could stand a little more of in our adult lives.

Matthew 18: 2-4 says that we must become like children to enter into the Kingdom of God. That seems like a backwards and a very tall requirement. How does one become like a child without becoming childish?

Again, I think it points back to those lovely qualities that children have that we seem to loose a bit of as we grow older and more cinical.

Something I've noticed in kids recently is that they have no fear of being disliked. I think pretty much everyone struggles with this fear of "what if they don't like me?" or there's that classic excuse "Well they just didn't like me, that's why everything went wrong" [I know that in some cases there's a sort of bullying, but I find this personality clash argument pretty self victimizing most of the time. Maybe that's harsh, but we're all adults, if we don't "get along" with someone else that doesn't mean that they're always out to get us]

There's the "what will people think?" and the "normalized" behaviors that follow that fear.

But kids, man kids are incredible. They don't go up to someone afraid if they'll be liked. They approach life with an, "I'm here! Aren't you glad to see me?" attitude. They EXPECT to be liked, even more than that, they expect to be ENJOYED.

There's a line for sure [there always is] when this can bleed into arrogance and being all puffed up. When humility gets trampled on, it's no longer charming =P

But children have that purity so their expectations don't reek of that self importance that adults sometimes carry.

But think about how that could change our approach to God. I think it would become less of a meek and, frankly, weak relationship. I mean yes, God is way above me in every way. BUT I am His creation, He wanted me to live. Same as He wanted you and every other person on earth to live.

If we approached God with the same attitude that He created us in, that we are wanted, that we are loved and treasured, that we are enjoyed. If we expected that from God instead of always being surprised by it, it seems to me that a divine confidence and humility would logically follow.

I think about when I hang out with my mama, I know she loves me, but more than that, she likes me. She enjoys me. And that is something I've grown comfortable in, something I've come to expect. So it gives the relationship strength because the ties aren't formed on my insecurities. The relationship doesn't consist of one side or another needing to be reaffirmed constantly, because we enjoy one another.

That thought is like a clamp on my brain, God enjoys us.

Those human things that we are afraid of, we don't have to even think about with God, He's got our backs!

I think these kiddos are on to something here =).

A Birthday Blog

Today I am twice the age of my favorite number.

Golly.

When I was 11, I was in 6th grade, and would turn 12 in 7th grade. Wow.
Who I was then, that scared kid that I saw in the mirror, is so very different than who I am now.

There are still, of course, those foundational beliefs and quirks that make me, me. But so much has changed, I would hardly recognize that kid if I saw her today. There's heaps songs and poems and stories based on the idea of "if I could take it all back, what would I change?" or "If I could tell a younger me what the older me knows now, what would I say?"

For me, I don't know that I would change much. If I could change things without affecting the person who I am today, I might do it, just to make things a little easier on younger me. But I like who I am today, so if that had to change, I wouldn't go for it. But, if I could stay the same, I guess I would change the habits I never formed. I never learned to not procrastinate, I never learned to work out or eat properly, I never learned to read my Bible and chill with God daily. I mean, I knew all of those things were good to know, but I never formed the habits. And so, here I am twice that age and trying to form many of these habits seemingly from scratch.

I have phenomenal parents, so that's a bit of a head start for me.

If I could tell 11 year old Netti something profound, some sort of advice, I guess it would be a whole heap of things.

-God loves you and always has, and aside from that, He WANTS you.
-Your sister turns out pretty cool in a few years, give it some time.
-When you get that first job, save more, go to the movies less.
-When you are babysitting for that one family, don't park in the driveway - all those dents will be avoided that way.
-Stop thinking - seriously, do something you enjoy.
-High school is a ginormous waste of time - get your GED or Home school. But don't stop playing the violin, you regret that one a lot.
-I know you think it's love, but I promise you, you're going to love those girlies that stick by you a whole lot more than this boy whose name you forget. Invest in your friends.
-Don't be embarrassed to write, you're actually not terrible at it.
-The truth is always the best way to go.
-When Kessi wants to sit on the armrest of the couch, take Abby's side and make her get down. There will be a lot less blood that way.
-When you decide you want to learn an instrument, even when it gets boring, stick to it. I promise you it'll be worth it.
-When you bake that one cake, think ahead. You'll have one less scar that way.
-When you go to Fiji, take some decent shoes with you - you might have a chance at avoiding a few more injuries that way.

There's more. Not because anything was particularly traumatizing, but because it might help me along the way.

I have become someone I like and am not ashamed of. I might look pretty much the same on the outside, but the inside holds a very different girl, a very redeemed girl. And I have God, and the people He's graciously placed in my life to thank for that.

Seriously, He's worth a try ;)

So thank you heaps to everyone who wished me a happy day, and thanks a million times over to the people who have invested in me. These people have helped to mold me and helped me to grow into the person I am today - They have allowed me to learn that growth is good, a wise person grows until the day they die.

I love you dearly <3

You're Welcome. Again. ;P

Oh man, I just really love my church. I am the luckiest girl =)

This is just so cool. I really am incredibly and undeservedly drowned in God's love and goodness. Good thing there's more than enough to go around ;)

<3

Skin and Scales

My faults lead me to the Water
Where my reflection shone much to clear,
Each little slip glittering hard atop my skin.

It was a pretty mask, a fair suit that spread
All across my face, covering my skin,
Hiding my heart behind hard scales.

But the loveliness was not my own
And the ugly mistakes had begun to show.
There's bravery in desperation.

The itch could not be satisfied
I was tired of always scratching
So I raked my claws into my scales - no scales, no itch.

But it's never enough, no never enough when I'm trying on my own.

And so the Lion helped to tear me apart.
Ripped my shining mask to shreds.
I begged for release - for the easy way out.

I begged for no more pain
I cried out for my scales
Until I could feel His healing tears.

Because it's never enough, no never enough when I'm trying on my own.

When my skin shone clear,
It was blemished as it ever was.
But soft and smooth, beautiful in it's vulnerability.

Truth that went unfelt with my scaley shell
Rained down on my revealed skin.
A loveliness to call my own.

Lately - Prattle on Rick

The YouTube video sucked, so here's a link instead. Just hit "Play" =)
P.S. No, I'm not feeling Emo, I just really like this song. Especially the last verse =)


Lately by Prattle on Rick

lately I walk on a lonely road
it's the only road I know
lately I talk with my shadow
no ear to hear my groan
no dwelling to call home
no shelter from the snow

lately I sing on a broken stage
no words upon my page
lately I stroll on an empty lane
it's easier that way
no one to see the pain
or to break my heart again

and the night covers up my shame
hides away my name, I hate when the morning nears
and the snow covers up my face
I try to erase all trace of these fears

lately I sleep alone and underneath
my canopy of trees
lately I've been searching for a friend
burdened with my sin
no refuge from the wind
no one to take me in

and the night covers up my shame
hides away my name, I hate when the morning nears
and the snow covers up my face
I try to erase all trace of these fears

someday I'll see the saints a-welcome me
what else can I believe?
someday we'll sing a perfect melody
in perfect harmony
we'll worship perfectly
see what we've longed to see
where everyone we meet
is long-lost family
no reason more to grieve
no need no more to leave

Call me "Aqueduct"

I have always always been guilty of having the "If Only" mentality.

It comes easily to me to want to move on to the next thing. If you've read pretty much any of my other posts, you know that I love love love new things and experiences. So my weakness in this area is to think, "If only I could just start something new. If only I could try doing this one thing. THEN I might feel like I've accomplished something. I might feel less stagnant. If only, if only. When will my life & circumstances change, when will I get to have a new adventure?"

Dangerous ground for sure. It steals my focus, it steals my joy.

Not to say that striving for something - having goals - having dreams and ambitions, is a bad thing. Actually I would say it's more unhealthy to not have those things. But with me at least, I get so very swept up. I lose sight of the present.

Even when it's something that is bothering me [not necessarily just some place I saw and instantaneously wanted to go there], my first instinct is to drown out the thoughts that keep me awake at night. Try something new to distract myself. That doesn't stop the dreams, or God talking to me about it, or Him letting me know what He thinks in said dreams...But it definitely affects my willingness to listen.

I'm always ready to try what's next, I'm always ready to tell myself that I'm discontent so the next thing will be better.

And I LIKE that about myself. I LIKE that I have a sense of adventure and readiness to try something new.

But when I use it as an escape, or a distraction, or try to make it fit in that hole that it just isn't shaped for, it is detrimental and ugly.

I love God. No question. And I know that He is the ultimate fulfillment. I know that urge that I get is of God because He created me, and I know that He's gonna use this part of me for His Kingdom, but that doesn't mean I get to misuse it. That doesn't mean that I get to swing to the extreme end of the pendulum and call it all good because it's just a part of who I am.

BUT - a bragging moment for me - I am getting better. Better at dealing with situations and not just pretending them away - that's how explosions happen later on. Not worth it. I am getting better and looking my fears in the face and heading right into the fray of all those scary, icky emotions.

It's easy to smile all of the time. It's easy to turn a blind eye to the things I don't want to see. The things I don't want to know or care about, the things that scare or anger me. It's easy to live in ignorance.

It's super super hard to live a life outside of myself, to live with the intention of living attentively. I mean, they say that ignorance is bliss, but that doesn't explain why people consumed with themselves and ignorant to the needs of others tend to be so very miserable. I don't want to be one of those people.

Not that I really even have that opinion of myself, I don't consider myself a scrooge or anything, but I am definitely guilty of some pretty thick walls of self protection. I think that that is a form of selfishness that can become pretty severe when unchecked. If everyone lived behind their walls, our world would freeze up. It'd be like putting up billions of walls up in the ocean, separating the water into little segments. Nothing would grow or change. There would be no progress.

I refuse to be one of those big brick dams. I want to be a channel for life - And life abundantly at that!

God's got His work cut out with me, but He's a pretty neat dude and I'm an almost always willing subject so I have faith in this little construction project.

It's never too late to change <3

Gungor: Beautiful Things

Stuck in my head today <3

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

Bowing Down [Handing over that hazy exiztence of what could be.]

So church today, pretty sweet. I honestly couldn't quote you a line from the sermon, I was thinking about something else. But once it's up in the Podcast, I'll link it and listen to it again =P
I was thinking about what this post is going to reflect on.

A lot of the songs we did in worship had something to do with "bowing down", which I always took to mean, in its most generic form, as a surrender. Which, is not wrong, but it occurred to me today that it could go a little deeper than that.

I started thinking about the physical action of bowing down. Whether you stay on your feet, or go all out knees on the ground, your head is down. So your eyes are on the floor, your back exposed, your neck vulnerable.

This is the stance of an execution.

A beheading, by axe or guillotine, take your pick.

The act of bowing is more than a metaphor for surrender, it is the most vulnerable you can be without bonds. Saying "I will bow down, to you Lord, only you, Lord" is not just saying "you win" in a meek, "I give up" sort of way. It is stating that "I make myself vulnerable to you, God. This total surrender signifies my trust in you. That I offer my life and trust you to keep it safe. That you won't shoot me in the back."

It's serious.
-Deadly so. [that was a bad pun]

When we bow to someone, we give up almost all of our control. Have you ever tried to stand up from a bow when someone is pressing down on you? With a lovely ox of a brother, this has happened to me many times. I bend over to pick something up, and when I go to stand, I'm stuck.With his hand on the back of my head or neck, I can't seem to get the momentum to break out from under him. Even aside from the obvious differences in our muscle mass, the "bower" is at a distinct disadvantage.

The forces of gravity and leverage give the "holder" the upper hand. When we bow down before the Lord of our hearts, we are trusting Him to be who He says he is. A kind and loving God. Not a malicious tyrant determined to keep us in submission.

I have never really been afraid to die. [Being murdered was really where my nightmares came from - the evil that goes along with murder is something so potent it makes the thought of death a very scary one.] So offering my life, my physical life was never something I felt like I struggled with. But offering my LIFE, my day to day, my dreams and visions of the future - now that is tough stuff. So that is what I lay down as an offering each time I bow to my King. That smokey, hazy existence of what could be, what I want to be. That is what I struggle submitting. 

Right now, in between sentences, I am chatting with a friend from my DTS outreach in Fiji. I can't tell you how much I miss that place. The people and culture amaze me and have wooed my heart. I want so badly to go back, but for now, God has me home. And that's ok, because as I bow to him, I feel his hand on my head in a loving gesture of protection. Not one of stubborn control, forcing me into servitude.

And it is in this period of waiting and learning that I learn to dwell in God. To make His courts my home and train myself to delight in Him no matter where I am, whether I want to be there or not. For a gal with a wanderers heart, this is not an easy lesson, and one that has to be renewed and relearned. Often.

But I've decided to hold onto the promises my Sovereign King has given me.

Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
-Psalm 37:4

I have what I need in my God. The desires of my heart are the dreams that He dreams with me, wildly and unabashedly. This Heiress is going to see the world someday.

Maiwage is what bwings us togebwaa todaaay.

My friend is getting married to a lovely girl. I've only met her once, but they are so peacefully in love, it's stunning.

Ever-changing

Things don't remain as they have been.

We grow, up and apart

Giving life, choking out breath.

Shared innocence, shared crime

Shared a small piece of life,

Formed a small piece of life.

Look at her eyes now,
full of hope and wonder, lovely,

Beautiful.

You have made her beauty.

You, such a man, such a heart.

You have grown, you have arrived-

Not at the finish line, but at the top of the first peak.

 She has made you beauty.

Grow up, together- not apart.

Be blessed, be blessed.
 

 I love you.

Thief

 This is something I wrote a couple of weeks ago, I miss traveling, and meeting new people from all over the world. I miss the people I've already met. 

Thief

The Western winds bring sun again-
Blowing rays across the
Deepest blue waves.

And I want so badly to see your face-
Smiling and diving, teaching.
I miss you

But that was then and life spins fast-
Stealing and changing and rearranging
My dear ones

Ups and downs and nausea-
Vomiting up bottled messages
Reminders, ignore it.

West winds bringing shine again-
But it's not the same, a quick and fleeting tease
Deceitful, false hope

Those stubborn winds
Whisper adventure in my ear
Plead with me, win my case

Tie me down.
Western winds carry me away
And I'm gone again. Without a trace.

Wanderlust

I've been sick the last few days. And when I am sick [aside from having a pity party 24/7] I generally spend a lot of time underneath hot water trying to steam the germs away, sleeping, halfheartedly watching movies [unless they happen to be some good ol' Brit pics, then it's all or nothing!], and reading.

As it is, this time I've been reading a lot.

Nothing super interesting at all really - easy books to blaze through and pass the time. I honestly couldn't even tell you the titles. But there was something mentioned in one of them, I don't even remember which book, that caught my attention.

A word, just one, stuck in my mind. It's not even a word that's new to me, so I don't know why it hopped and skipped like it did this time, but I looked it up 'cause I was curious how it was defined.

Wanderlust: A strong, innate desire to rove or travel about.

And then I was curious precisely how Innate is defined.

Innate:1. Existing in one from birth; inborn; native.

2. Inherent in the essential character of something.

 

 

 

I've always described my urge to explore and adventure as mere restlessness. But I like this word, wanderlust, much better. It doesn't have such a discontent connotation, more of a stirring, a call. It sounds kind of ancient, kind of urgent. I like that. 

I like that it's not specific. There are places I would prefer to go because their names alone tug at my heart, but no matter where I am at, I have this longing to see everything there is. Just for the sake of knowing it's there, for the love of discovery and the newness of it.

It doesn't come from a desire to tame or conquer. It come from some part of me that wants to experience this wild, rugged, violent, and beautiful world. And I want to feel a part of it for a time.

Of course, when I get in these moods - actually I'm pretty much always in these moods =P When these moods come more strongly, are felt more violently, I don't tend to think about all of the things I will hate about these new places. Like bugs with wings as big as my face. I hate bugs that fly.
But when I'm outside of my head enough to forget those things, like today, all I can think about is how the good things would outnumber the less than ideal. How that exhilaration you get when you're on an adventure is different than any other emotion.

 And all I want to do is hop a plane or a bus or a train or a bike. I lied, me and biking usually equals blood and bruises. I get distracted.

So there it is, I've got me a case of the Wanderlust and I've got it bad. I might be contagious, but don't worry - it's really not so bad. And if we've all got it, well then I guess I won't have to wander alone =)

You're Welcome. =P

I am incredibly blessed to be a part of my church family. I've been realizing that a lot recently, from seeing people from our worship team form bands and perform in the secular world because they are that good [not that music quality should have to take a hit simply because it is in the church - but that's a whole different topic that I really don't have time to get started on], to just listening to recent sermons. I have an amazing support system with solid morals, and I'd like to share it! So here are the links for the two most recent sermons, because God is good, and uses my Pastor's mouth really well. Enjoy =)

The Origional Block Party [7-17-11]
Could This Be Love? [7-24-11]

Lady A

Can't get this song out of my head.

Lyin' here with you so close to me
It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe
Caught up in this moment
Caught up in your smile

I've never opened up to anyone
So hard to hold back when I'm holding you in my arms
We don't need to rush this
Let's just take this slow

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch in the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight

I know that if we give this a little time
It will only bring us closer to the love we wanna find
It's never felt so real, no it's never felt so right

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch in the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight

No I don't want to say goodnight
I know it's time to leave, but you'll be in my dreams
Tonight
Tonight
Tonight

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch in the fire burning so bright
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, oh, let's do this right, with just a kiss goodnight
With a kiss goodnight
Kiss goodnight

Awakened

For my darling friend, who has a graceful heart and clean soul.

Awakened

And there she is - liquid eyes
All memories and broken heart
Ah there she is

"I've been waiting for you my lovely, my delight"

And as she cries her heart comes alive,
As tears carve skin, she's home again
There is truth, there is beauty

There is love and daring, there is open honesty

Passion, sadness, desire, healing,
In a handful of tears
Raw and wild and dear.

"There is my daughter, there is her breath. There is my dearest, her well-loved heart"

Sweet girl, darling friend-

You are no longer a slave to the Darkness
You are no longer a product of selfishness
You do not belong to fear
You do not belong to hatred.

"I claim this girl, my child, my heart - No force can steal her from me, no force can take her from my love"

You are His.

Stick Figure Illistration

^ This is Phil. I trust Phil ^

^ This is Phil and Steve. Phil trusts Steve ^

^ This is me and Steve. I do not trust Steve ^

Does this make my trust in Phil a mistake? Or Phil untrustworthy?

Maybe there is no answer.

You and me, me and you, both of us - togetheeeeerrr!

A friend of mine posted:

"Why do people freak out that i have never had a boyfriend??? I just haven't found one who likes me back. plain and simple."

I've expressed a similar sentiment more times than I can count over the years, especially in YWAM, when I was in cultures that couldn't fathom a young gal not having a young guy by her side.

Seriously - there is SO much stress on it in many other cultures - even if it feels like it's underlined and italicized in bold here, it's worse in more traditionally centered cultures.

Not trying to knock my friend's pondering at all here, I totally get what she's saying. And yes, it can be frustrating. I know people are well meaning, they want me to find the same love and joy in a partner the way they have. Or at least I assume that's their goal here.

But there's a definite sting when it's said, because the fact is, like my darling friend points out, that there just hasn't been a guy that I've had a mutual "likeage" with. Either I like him or he likes me, but only a very few times has there been a two way street. And those panned out to be less mutual than previously stated - or assumed - or whatever.


I'm not heart broken or wounded from these, so please don't mistake this for a pity blog or even whining.
Well, maybe I am whining a little - but I don't mean to =P

Anyhow, what I really want to get at here is that in the past whenever things like that were said, or someone wanted to set me up with some guy [which, btw, I think is lame. Introduce us, yes - but as far as an actual "set up" or "date" the guy had better be man enough to ask the gal himself.] [maybe that's personal preference, but from the conversations I've had with other girls, it doesn't seem to be...]


ANYHOW - geeze I'm tangent-y tonight.


Before when people wanted to set me up with someone I'd laugh it off and change the subject.

But now, for the first time, I feel ready to actually be in a relationship. For the first time I feel like I have something to offer, like I could make the person better, and he could make me better. I feel like we would be more awesome together than on our own.

Of course I've wanted to be with guys before - I did go through hormone filled teen years. But that was hormones and insecurity. This is more...logical maybe.


This isn't all to say I've got my eye on someone or something - because I haven't.
It's mostly just what was sparked by reading my friend's post.


I am happy as I am - single - because my Lord gives me joy.
But I think I could be something more with a Godly man.


My mom [who is very much in love with my dad] said once, "I ride my own white horse!" Which I think I agree with. I don't need to be saved from anything, I'm a fighter and I like being able to take care of myself.


Any guy who thinks I'm just waiting to be protected and have all my battles fought for me has another thing coming indeed =P 
But I would like a partner.


Maybe he'd be more like my sword - I hold him in a sense, but he goes before me and I'd be a way crappier knight without him.


Maybe that's a bad analogy. Whatever.


Bed time, night <3

Revised

I posted this poem earlier, maybe a couple months ago, and I included this revision in my final project for my poetry class this term. There aren't a whole heap of differences, but I did work in almost all of the suggestions my professor made. Enjoy =)

"No More Secrets for You, Dear"

Spring break found me in several new places, this train being one.

On the way home- clickety clacking across wet tracks and miserable

Valleys steeped in beauty. Watching the hills rise and fall,

Staring at cows, deer, rabbits, gray sky--circling birds

Watching the creatures rule the sky, and descend on the earth, I

Finally see what draws them from their gray tinted freedom.

Flesh, red and warm, split and criss-crossed death

Splayed apart and steaming in the chilled air, ripped open.

No more secrets for that deer

No more secrets for you, Dear

No more hiding, no more buried heart

No more alone, no more stitched together

Rip them out, Dear, tear them out –

leave the strands here

At my feet or in my hands, I want to see you splayed apart

Break open, crack apart, show

your unhidden heart

Wild and rolling like the right hand hills

Vicious and soothing like the left hand sea.

Snip out the stitches, live as you are.

No more secrets for that deer

No more secrets for you, Dear...

Honwhaaaat?

So I've been thinking. [Every time I say/write/type/think that, This pops in my head. Disney kid? Why yes, I am]

Anyhow, I've been wondering what exactly honesty is.

If we go solely by a dictionary definition, then

2). a : fairness and straightforwardness of conduct
b : adherence to the facts : sincerity.

is what we get.

 I think the general connotation the word "honesty" gives most people is the "b" definition. Which isn't wrong, I mean yes, a part of being honest is answering truthfully. But I'm beginning to wonder if there is more to honesty than strictly sticking to the facts.

There is of course, the matter of one's actions. If you do not act out the words you speak, then I think there is a certain level of dishonesty there. And it's not fair to the people that love and trust you, and I am a fan of fair.


I am beginning to think there might be another level after that even. If we are being honest, then that means we are compelled to speak the truth. Does that mean volunteer information?


I'd be the first to admit I'm a fairly private person - it takes a while to peel my ivory layers back. And it's not that I'm being fake until you get to that point, those top layers are genuine, but not...deep. I think deep is the word I'm looking for.


So to be truly honest, does that mean that some of those layers have to disappear? [I say some because obviously not everyone should know your 'stuff'. Some people just aren't trustworthy - which saddens me].


Could it be that this is the difference between being honest and being open? That honesty is being truthful in words, thoughts, and actions - and openness is being willing to give those things to other people? Or is that giving and receiving a part of engaging in real honesty?

I thought I had a pretty good idea when I named this blog, and I was searching for other honest folks.  Now I feel like I don't actually understand enough to call it that =P
But I guess I really am seeking honesty.

I am seeking things that ring true not only in my ears, but in my heart. I am looking for Christ in the eyes of other people, I am looking for His influence in their lives.

I am looking for strangers to be honest when I ask how their day is going, I am looking for more than an automatic response.

What I want to see is wild and untamed. I guess what I really want to see is beauty.

So what is honesty?

I guess I don't really have a rock solid definition for it. But I do know truth.

Maybe that's what I'm looking for after all.

"It is discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deciet."
-Noel Coward

Rivers and Roads

 Rivers and Roads

By The Head and The Heart

a year from now we'll all be gone
all our friends will move away
and they're going to better places
but our friends will be gone away

nothing is as it has been
and i miss your face like hell
and i guess it's just as well
but i miss your face like hell

been talking bout the way things change
and my family lives in a different state
and if you don't know what to make of this
then we will not relate
so if you don't know what to make of this
then we will not relate

rivers and roads
rivers and roads
rivers 'til i reach you

Updates yo.

Sunday marked the end of another term for me.

That's right, I finished a whole week ahead =D [insert bragging face here]

So, if you've read some of my previous blogs, you know that I took Advanced [oolala] Poetry this term, and same as last term, I had to put together a portfolio.

The following link will direct you to the site that that portfolio is on, should the urge strike you. This term is the "Shnazzy Portfolio", and last term's is the "Fancy Portfolio"...or actually it might just be "Portfolio" I can't remember =P

This is also the site where Katt and I upload a few of our little recording adventures for the general public to 'enjoy' =P

So without further ado, I give you Mediocre poetry/music, feel free to poke about.

Thoughts from an Alkeseltzer addled mind.

I don't know if it's because of my family's YWAM history, or maybe it's just a part of my gene pool in general. My mom loves to travel, my dad loves adrenaline.

Or maybe it was something God birthed in my heart solely because it's a part of what makes me, ME.

Perhaps it's a combination of the two, like my psych teacher would explain - genetics give us that which we are predisposed to, and circumstances teach us what we would learn.

Netti, what are you even talking about?

Well thank you shoulder helper number two [I've decided to use #2 today because she is petty and was getting jealous of all the attention #1 had been receiving].

My apologies, I'm sick, and because I am sick, I am fuuull up on cold medicine.

Which makes me loopy. I pity my co-workers and maybe even a few of the children, assuming I am still under the weather tomorrow. My family has been stellar though, they always are, but I've hardly done a thing. It's frustrating and beautiful all at once.

ANYHOW. Returning to my previous pondering, I love new things. New experiences, places, people, languages, cultures, scenery, all of it. Not new as in shiny and sparkling - although I suppose that has it's place as well, but new as in new to me. I love doing things I've never experienced before.

Out of this desire to see the world and love it, I torture myself with different pictures and music and documentaries of places I'd love to see. I love hearing the different way people speak, not only the accents, but the vocabulary as well. Fascinating.

I think about that story in the Bible, about the tower of Babel, and how God split up our tongues to speak different languages. What was a punishment then, is SO beautiful to me now.

That is incredible.

I bet they didn't really care for it at the time.

Isn't that strange how perception works? I am grateful for different languages and the dimension they give this world. And that, something that I treasure, was an act of disciplining a selfish culture. Nuts.

Anyhow, that's all I got.

...And now this is awkward.  I'm just gonna go.

...Bye.

Sleepless

It's 1:30am as I begin writing this blog.

I got back from a party celebrating a friend's birthday about an hour and a half ago, and I can't sleep.


My mind is swirling with thoughts and I find that when I go to bed at times like this, I either have crazy dreams pertaining to the situation, or I just toss and turn and get no rest at all.

I don't know how much of the situation I'm willing to share here online, this is mostly to kill some time until I start yawning, and because I can't find my notebook.

So blogging the night away becomes the next viable option, right?

I'm worried. Actually I think concerned is a better word for it. I'm concerned for some people that I love dearly. Nothing is...urgent...[I think that's the word I'm looking for] but it is concerning.

This is always something that intrudes my sleep time. When something is not right with people I love, it consumes a lot of energy, emotion, and time. And it's worth it, because I love them, but it does suck with the whole no sleep predicament.

I have chosen the crazy dreams in the past, although they don't always happen, and I rarely remember them, not having those dreams is worth staying up until I am so sleepy I crash on my notebook - or keyboard as it is tonight.

All of this to get to the thought that my Jesus is concerned about my friends thousands of times more than I could ever be. And if we follow the logic trail, that means He has that same concern for me. So now that I have yawned, I'm going to go see if I can practice letting go and letting God.

Surrender, cry, repeat.

Beautiful Exchange: Hillsong 

You were near
Though I was distant
Disillusioned, I was lost and insecure

Still mercy fought
For my attention
You were waiting at the door
Then I let You in

Trading your life
For my offenses
For my redemption, You carried all the blame

Breaking the curse
Of our condition
Perfection took our place

When only love could make a way
You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange

My burden erased
My life forgiven
There is nothing that could take this love away

My only desire
And sole ambition
Is to love You just the same

When only love could make a way
You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange
When only love could break these chains
You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange

Holy are You, God
Holy is Your name
With everything I've got
My heart will sing how I love You

We sing this song in church a lot. Really a lot, to the point where I stopped paying attention to what I was singing and started focusing on finding a new harmony. 

But then on Sunday I was struck with this revelation, if that's the right word for it at all, about the bridge.

"With everything I've got, my heart will sing, "How I love You""

I started thinking about what I have, my mind ran over all the material things in seconds, that's not where my heart is. I started thinking about the people I love and who love me. If God took them, if they died, would my heart still sing "How I love You"? 

What about my fears, my insecurities? I've got those in abundance, even in the face of those things, or even if any of those fears should become reality, would my heart still be praising God?

I always took the "With everything I've got" to mean whatever I had in that moment, my passion, my energy, so I'd do what we do in modern America congregations and sing louder, raise my hands higher.

But I realized what God is asking me, asking all of us, is not necessarily of the here and now. What if later on my friend has to go through some sort of trauma and it is in no way fair and I can't see any possible reason why it had to happen? Will my heart still be loving my God?

I had to lay a lot down on Sunday. [And I cried a lot. Which is strange for me - I'm not anti cry, it just doesn't happen all that often]. It seems like my life is a pattern of continual surrender. I'm never gonna have it all together. And I'm slowly re-realizing [I'm not always the quickest learner. It often takes me several tries =P] that I don't want to have it all together. It kills me. And I prefer life for the time being.

So I guess that's a fair question - What is it that might keep your heart from singing, "How I Love You"?

Love Me Some Mr. Messersmith =)

Diggin' this song right now =)

"She's tired of flat lands and cornfields
Seashells traced in snow
She wants more bugs on her windshield
She don't want to go alone

I'd love to go, but I left behind my raincoat
Will anybody miss me when I'm gone?
I'm wide awake, but I'm dreaming of the west coast
I could leave tomorrow but I won't
Cause I've still got my day job

She talks about her waterfall fountain
And her house out on the bay
She's in love with broken glass mountains
Fireplace cafes"

A New Leaf

So, it's been a while. Apparently I haven't had any deep thoughts or interesting events lately. Although I have been falling off chairs more often than normal...But that's beside the point =P

I feel like there's something new on the horizon - which is splendid for me, I love new!

Part of it is because of this lovely organization that I am getting involved with.





A New Leaf is a woman's ministry group through the West Salem Foursquare Church. A New Leaf is centered around women just being released from prison and helping them re-acclimate to life outside. So everything from logistics like a place to live, clothes, a bus pass, photo ID, or even just basic hygiene necessities; to a strong mentor/friendship.


I am beyond excited to begin this! I can't even get a hold of myself. I love being around change and transition, and this is just the coolest opportunity to live outside of myself. I can't wait. We're going to be running in pairs, so two mentors for one menti. I believe the first gal I'll be working with is released the end of June, or if not her, then sometime before September.

I am just so very stoked! I feel very honored that I might be trusted with this. God is sooooo cool.

All that being said, we are a non-profit organization, so stay posted for fundraising information! It's a grand way to benefit an awesome program and help out some women who need a hand. And of course there's something in it for the benefactors ;) Some ideas are a rummage sale [cool stuff], bake sale/donations going towards A New Leaf [goodies!], jewelry sale [ladies: pretties!, guys: can anyone say easy gifts?], and a car wash [clean car, hollaaaa!].

So please, please, PLEASE, stay posted and I'll do my best to keep ya'll in the loop as far as what we're doing and what anyone can do to help us out =)

Thanks all =)