I posted this poem earlier, maybe a couple months ago, and I included this revision in my final project for my poetry class this term. There aren't a whole heap of differences, but I did work in almost all of the suggestions my professor made. Enjoy =)
"No More Secrets for You, Dear"
Spring break found me in several new places, this train being one.
On the way home- clickety clacking across wet tracks and miserable
Valleys steeped in beauty. Watching the hills rise and fall,
Staring at cows, deer, rabbits, gray sky--circling birds
Watching the creatures rule the sky, and descend on the earth, I
Finally see what draws them from their gray tinted freedom.
Flesh, red and warm, split and criss-crossed death
Splayed apart and steaming in the chilled air, ripped open.
No more secrets for that deer
No more secrets for you, Dear
No more hiding, no more buried heart
No more alone, no more stitched together
Rip them out, Dear, tear them out –
leave the strands here
At my feet or in my hands, I want to see you splayed apart
Break open, crack apart, show
your unhidden heart
Wild and rolling like the right hand hills
Vicious and soothing like the left hand sea.
Snip out the stitches, live as you are.
No more secrets for that deer
No more secrets for you, Dear...
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"And remember, this is for posterity's sake, so be honest. How do you feel?"